The Living Dead

After the strange death of New Labour at the Crewe and Nantwich General Infirmary, prepare to witness the nightmare of the living dead...

#1. David Miliband

'I couldn't hear what he was saying, but something about his face - just his sodding face - revolted me on a deep and primal level. It was chilling, unsettling - like watching a haunted ventriloquist's dummy slowly turn its head through 360 degrees. "Who is this grinning homunculus," I thought, "and what does he want from me?"'

#2 Gordon Brown

'Ghastly and nightmarish though Miliband may be, he's got nothing on gloomy Gordon Brown, who increasingly resembles a humourless, imposing old butler slowly creaking the mansion door open in a Frankenstein movie. Prime Minister Igor, the shuffling fun-free zone.'

#3 Jack Straw

Aka The Demon Headmaster